Like any season of "The Bachelorette," we're not over until all three hours of finale have been painfully worked through.
And hour three begins with a broken, sluggish, post-breakup Nick. It's a sad time to be a (former) reality show contestant, and "The Bachelorette" conveys Nick's sadness with roughly a jillion shots of Nick, looking forlornly across various views of scenic somethings.
Although, learning of Nick's post-dump backstory is pretty neat. Did you know he was at "The Men Tell All?" And yet, because of Andi's powerful shunning techniques, he was not able to Tell All? For once, "The Bachelorette" has a legitimate plot twist on its hands.
Also, this explains the mystery letter cliffhanger from last week, that no one bothered to explain until we were more than two hours into the finale. For a while, it kinda seemed like ABC had just forgotten about that little tease.
Nick appears; he thinks that confronting a now-engaged Andi on national television might win her heart (note: this has never, and will never, work); Chris Harrison gets Nick to rehash his assortment of jilted feelings. Really, though, we know all this. That was kind of the point of the last two hours. Let's get to some all-screaming breakup drama, okay?
Andi comes out and Nick can barely eke out a stutter. All he really does is re-re-explain those same feelings, and all she really does is sit there in silence and try not to make eye contact. There are no bitter accusations. No raised voices. No drama.
So Harrison does what all great reality TV showmen do, and begins stirring the pot. In almost no time, he's gotten Andi to admit that she never really loved Nick, at all. Even if she was blatantly alluding to the fact that she loved Nick in the past couple episodes.
Like the deadly Bengal Tiger, Harrison retreats into the background of the conversation, having secured his drama-kill.
The broken chunks of Nick's heart have just been ground into powder; now, he can ask the tough questions. Like, why did Andi treat him like a fiance if she never loved him in the first place? Also, why did she have sex with him if she already knew Josh was the one?
After the audible "ooooooh" that erupted simultaneously from "The Bachelorette's" entire global audience, Andi responds. First, with anger, and second with that "I have so much respect for you and this is why I must crush you, emotionally" card she's played for basically every breakup before this one.
Sorry, Andi. All the righteous-sounding fury in the world doesn't mean you were any less of a total schmuck here. You dragged both Nick and Josh into the Official Bachelorette Sex Parlor; if you didn't want it to be on the public record, you shouldn't have done so on national television.
Also, wasn't it the fantasy suite that ruined things between Andi and Juan Pablo? You'd think there's a lesson to be learned there.
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